piranhabat:

jakemalik:

*drops food on floor*

germs: go get it! quick!

king germ: no.. we must wait 5 seconds.. it is the rule

my favorite thing about this post is that germs have apparently gained enough sentience to develop a form of monarchy

(via illuminaudo)

IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO RAISE A DISABLED CHILD, OR A TRANS CHILD, OR A GAY OR BI OR PAN CHILD, IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO LOVE AND SUPPORT YOUR CHILD UNCONDITIONALLY, DO NOT HAVE A CHILD.

it is 2014. there are no excuses left. (via callmeoutis)

(via wanderlust-of-evren)

dontkillseanbean:

Q: What do we say to the god of death?
A: I’ll have another drink please.

dontkillseanbean:

Q: What do we say to the god of death?

A: I’ll have another drink please.

(Source: memecenterz, via victimesdelamour)

(Source: marvelmovies, via faeryofficial)

dontactlikewewerenothing:

THEYRE STILL FRIENDS

dontactlikewewerenothing:

THEYRE STILL FRIENDS

(Source: g-iggle, via igotnodamnsense)

spermbanker:

u know when u cold n ur nipnops go hard. why my titty betray me

(via fieldofdeadroses)

literallyleslieknope:

I’m so glad this infographic exists.

literallyleslieknope:

I’m so glad this infographic exists.

(via zohbugg)

thatdudeemu:

sojetlife:

roxannemonologues:

I love to hear him whisper “Fuck” or “Shit” when I throw it back.

i love to hear her moan yes and don’t stop, while I’m strokin

I love to hear them say praise The Lord and thank you Jesus while We in church

(via shaylaisgayla)

sassyabrahamlincoln:

sassyabrahamlincoln:

4 score and 20 years ago i blazed it

now im stoned
image

(Source: sassyabrahamlincoln, via shaylaisgayla)

nuditea:

last night a guy said to me “you are very, very pretty” and i said “i know” and he said like patronisingly “you KNOW?” and i said “you think you’re the first person to ever compliment me?” and he didn’t know where to go from there

(via chillypheesesteak)

Parent: what does a cow say?
Baby: "moo!"
Parent: yes! And what does a sheep say?
Baby: "baah!"
Parent: yay! And what does a pig say?
Baby: *whistles* "damn babygirl u a fine piece'a ass wanna hop n my car n ill drive ya to pound town!!"
(A gay couple has just met up in the restaurant and kissed each other upon arrival. Another customer has seen this and is obviously angry.)
Angry Customer: “Damn f**s.”
Gay Man: “Excuse me?”
Angry Customer: “You heard me, you little s***. Let’s not make this into some little pride protest, okay? I have to accept that you’re going to live your lifestyle, and you have to accept that I’ve got freedom of speech.”
Gay Man: *quietly* “Is it too much to ask for a little human decency?”
Angry Customer: “Human? Listen up, what you’re doing is not human. I think I have the right to determine what I think is human.”
(The manager shows up. He’s a quiet Italian man who I assume is conservative due to the Christian imagery and portrait of Reagan he keeps around the restaurant.)
Angry Customer: *to the owner* “Hey, can you move either them or us to another table?”
(Instead of responding to the angry customer, the owner instead speaks to his wife.)
Owner: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we have a strict ‘no pets’ policy in my restaurant.”
Wife: “Uh, I, uh, what? I don’t have a—”
Owner: “Well, according to your talking monkey over here, I can determine who’s a human and who’s not. You bring an animal into my restaurant; I gotta assume it’s your pet.”
(The angry customer storms out. When I left, the owner was giving his description, and copies of security camera footage, to the biggest crowd of police I’ve seen. Apparently it’s a bad idea to not pay your bill at a restaurant that gives free coffee to cops.)